1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the
hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky
tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your
neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17.  There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

18. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

19. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

1. Don’t change horses Until they stop running.
2. Strike while the Bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of Termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don’t bite the hand that Looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll Stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the Pigs.
13. An idle mind is The best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s Pollution.
15. Happy the bride who Gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is Not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s The Musketeers.
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what You put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not Spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don’t succeed Get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind Get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand Is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER – and last one!

26. Better late than Pregnant

(PHOTO TAKEN BY SUNNY LISTENER SCOTT ON MOTHER’S DAY 2010)

1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately
clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m
pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment
at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything
productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue
Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it
asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper.

14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash
this — ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine
times and goes to voicemail.

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then
not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday
or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

Three Felons

ACCORDING TO “SMOKING GUN” WEBSITE, THESE GUYS ARE REALLY THREE FELONS and these are their mug shots. … WHO WERE YOU THINKING THEY WERE?