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Zen of Sarcasm (Cindy sent this to me)
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the
hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky
tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your
neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
18. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
19. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
21. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
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(note: received this from a friend, Rose, who is an RN)
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED
Men Are Just Happier People– What do you expect from such simple creatures . Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8..95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes, and all for under 100 Dollars
No wonder men are happier.
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THIS 2009 HOLIDAY SEASON!
CHRISTMASTIME IN SYRACUSE VOL 15: GREATEST HITS!
BIG MIKE’S CHRISTMASTIME IN SYRACUSE (volume 15) 25 of our best from over the years: Benny Mardones, Todd Hobin, Grupo Pagan, Simplelife, Nancy Kelly, Ronnie Leigh, The Dean Brothers, Letizia, Doug Moncrief, Maria DeSantis, The Action!, Keith Condon, Swing Central, Kim Monroe, Dave Hanlon’s Cookbook, Donna Colton, Frenay & Lenin, Tamaralee, Dan Elliott, The Joe Whiting Band and more!!!!. It’s an amazing collection of the wonderful talent we have in our community and a true celebration of the Christmas season…on sale at P&C stores, proceeds benefit Elmcrest Children’s Center and Caseys Place.
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Hi all ….. Big Mike here. Tomorrow (Tues, 9/1) Rick Gary and I will represent Sunny 102 in a Beef Day competition … our dish is called “Big and Rick’s Ay Carumba Holy Guacomole Mucho Loco Gringo Steak” …. come out and cheer us on at 10am at the Chevy Court Pavillion. Then Rick and I will be broadcasting from the nearby Softub exhibit from 11a-1p … come over and see two men in a tub …. It’s senior’s day so Rick gets in for free (again).
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(sent to me from my friend Rose, an RN … you know who you are):
THE SHOPPER
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She found the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress in the second. She had just entered the third shop where everything had just been reduced fifty percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to tell her husband that she’d be there as soon as possible. When she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever shopping in these boutiques, so she decided to just look in two or three more before heading to the hospital. Anyhow, she ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself shopping, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it’s likely be the last shopping trip you will ever make! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your responsibility!”
The woman felt so guilty she broke down and cried and cried. The lady doctor then laughed and said, “I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. Show me what you bought.
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Thanks to Karen for sending this:
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator
door.
> > Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are
> > yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
> > contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my
> > plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
> > food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
> > the slightest.
> >
> > The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
> > racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object.
> > Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you
> > can run.
> >
> > I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am
> > very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
> > sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.
> > Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
> > sleep. It i s not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
> > other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I
> > also know that sticking tails straight out and having
> > tongues
hanging out on the other end to maximize space is
> > nothing but sarcasm.
> >
> > For the last time, there is no secret exit from the
> > bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage
> > to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine,
> > meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in
> > an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same
> > door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
> > years – canine/feline attendance is not required.
> >
> > The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go
> > smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress
> > this enough.
> >
> > Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the
> > following message on the front door:
> >
> > TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT
> > OUR PETS:
> >
> > (1) They live here. You don’t. (2) If you
> > don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
> > furniture. That’s why they call it
> > ‘fur’-niture. (3) I like my pets a lot better than
> > I like most people. (4) To you, they are animals. To
> > me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy,
> > walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.
> >
> > Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
> > (1) eat less,
(2) don’t ask for money all the time, (3)
> > are easier to train, (4) normally come when called, (5)
> > never ask to drive the car, (6) don’t hang out with
> > drug-using people; (7) don’t smoke or drink, (8)
> > don’t want to wear your clothes, (9) don’t have to
> > buy the latest fashions, (10) don’t need a gazillion
> > dollars for college and (11) if they get pregnant, you can
> > sell their children ..
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Got this funny stuff from a cool website: Smile-Therapy.com
It’s a few Seinfeld quotes:
“I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera. Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.”
“You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don’t see you? Yeah, what better way not to have people notice you than to take a 30 foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who’s in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it’s either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.”
“ I once had a leather jacket that was ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here.”
“ I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?”
“What is a date really but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is there are not many job interviews where there’s a chance you’ll wind up naked.”
“What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. “Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big.” “That’s ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later.”
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. Here’s why ….If you saw two life forms, one of them is making a poop, and the other is carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
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HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, “SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD?” (I found this to be very humorous Smile-Therapy.com)
“MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .”YES. YES, I DID. I’M A MUSTANG,” HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
“WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?” I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED , “IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?”
“YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!”, I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY………
AND THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT BUTT, DECREPIT ASKED…. “WHAT DID YOU TEACH?”
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Tomorrow, Christmas Day (Dec 25) at 12:30 check out Food For Thought, the show on our public television WCNY, Channel 24. This espisode features great live music performances from Joe Whiting and Todd Hobin. I (Big Mike) join them and we make pizza! Lots of fun. And here’s my sincere wish for you to have the best Christmas ever!
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