1. Avoid CARROT STICKS. Go next door where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink EGG NOG. You find it only now. Have two (one for me).
3. Use GRAVY. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy.
4. As for MASHED POTATOES: it’s a beautiful thing.
5. EXCERCISE: forget about it. Save it for January when there is nothing going on. This is the season for napping.
6. Do not have a SNACK before going to a party. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free.
7. Christmas COOKIES. Delicious. Enjoy. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for PIES: Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each, and if you don’t like mincemeat then have two apples and one pumpkin. When else do you get more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. FRUITCAKE? Well, have some standards!
10. Remember: “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a perfect body. But rather arrive with a chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming: Woo, what a ride!”
